Promised, everything I feel 153 days later
Releasing Promised may have been one of the scariest things I have ever done. Truth be told, every fear I had came true with this release. I have always been scared to release music. As a person who feels things very deeply, it's nauseating knowing that by releasing my songs, I'm giving the world access to my heart.
Promised was written crying in the basement of my dorm practice room. I was in pain and confused, to say the least. The terrifying thing is that in continuing to work with Promised, I have started to understand just how fragile these emotions can be. The cover art features dead flowers, a symbol of the ending of a relationship. Those weren't the only flowers I saved.
Promised has been a difficult release for me because, despite my need to market, I kind of wanted to release it and run.
I took the remainder of the flowers I had to film a few visuals, and it hurt. I didn't expect it to; I expected the petals to fall and to walk away from the pile of endings unscathed. That was unrealistic. Something about truly walking away from this one and the story behind it was debilitating. In trying to walk away, I became the same girl crying in the practice room after one of the hardest heartbreaks I'd experienced. Shaken and hurt, I managed to leave those petals in that park in the middle of Chicago, but I can't leave the pain there. Trust me, I want to. If I could take those shitty feelings and dump them in a trash can in the middle of Millennium Park, I would. But Promised and its origin are a part of my story forever. This was my debut, and maybe it's poetic that I debuted at rock bottom. Maybe it's poetic that the first song I had the balls to release was something so terrifying, and maybe it's all in perfect alignment that every fear I had in releasing Promised seemed to come true, and I made it out alive. We are 153 days since its release. 242 days since I began writing this. Over a year since the day I got my heart broken. The way I feel towards Promised will probably be ever-changing. The way you feel towards your own version of the Promised story might be ever-changing as well. And honestly, I'm in no position to be giving life or love advice, but if I had anything to say, it'd be this. Promised has taught me to wear my heart on my sleeve, no matter what state it's in. And the scary things, the painful things, often are the most rewarding.
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